ROAD TRIP!!

There’s nothing like going on a road trip with your favorite person.  Scott and I had the opportunity to do just that last week.   Wednesday afternoon he received a phone call that he had to go to Kansas for work.  I wanted to go with him…..he wanted me to go with him.  3 hours later we were out the door to drop the kids off with Grandma and Grandpa…..God bless ’em.  The timing could not have been better.  We needed to get away from here for a bit…..spend some time alone.  What better way to get some alone time with someone than a 13 hour car ride?  We drove straight through on the way there only stopping for gas.  We did make a stop just before midnight for cupcakes.  We were going to have cake after dinner for Quinn…..it would have been his birthday….but we didn’t have a chance to.  Other than that it was just the two of us…..alone……on the open road.  We had a blast…..laughed and……. just enjoyed each others company.  We arrived in Kansas at noon on Thursday.  We changed and freshened up at a gas station in what seemed like the middle of nowhere.  After the job was done we got a good nights sleep and headed for home on Friday.  We were able to take more time on the drive home and decided to do a little sight seeing in Missouri.  Do you know how many porn shops there are down I 70 in Missouri?  We do now.  We also drove by the Arch in St. Louis…..twice….oppsie.  Anyway, we got home around 6 am on Saturday…..exhausted and yet refreshed at the same time……AHHHH…. there’s nothing quite like a last minute road trip.

Birth Day

Today would have been Quinn’s birthday.

* The dates on here are messed up.  I just figured out how to fix it for future posts but for the last post that I actually did yesterday (Induction Day) the date should be the 24th. Just thought I would mention that if you were confused.

Induction Day

Today was supposed to be THE day…….the day I was going to be induced.

My doctor and I had discussed it way back in November.  We had been through the last 2 pregnancies with this same doc.  We knew how everything was going to go.  Even though my due date was not until July 4th, he was going to induce me a week and a half early.  I have had all large babies and the doc wanted this last one out before he got too big.  My doc is in his office on Tuesdays and in the hospital on Wednesdays.  With the last 2 kids I went to see my doc on a Tuesday (the last appointment before my due date) and he sent me in to the hospital that evening to start the induction process……both times, the babies were born the next day.  I should be at the hospital right now starting the induction process for Quinn.  I knew back in January when we lost him that this day was going to be tough…..I just wasn’t sure how tough.

Tomorrow is going to be even worse…….It would have been Quinn’s birthday.

the misfortune of others…

Nothing makes you appreciate what you have faster than seeing the misfortune of others.  I am doing my pediatric rotation for nursing school right now.  I feel SO lucky that I have 4 healthy children.  Some of the kids that I have cared for have had problems from birth, others have been in accidents.  You just never know when something is going to happen, it’s so cliche, but it’s true.  2 weeks down, 5 to go!  December is getting closer by the minute. 

I SUCK

Wow!  I really suck at this whole blogging thing.  That’s what nursing school does to people.   You have no time for ANYTHING!  You do what they want when they want it.  Yes, I am their bitch, they own me, I admit it.  It’s funny how I am paying THEM for this sort of treatment.  You may as well just bend me over now.  And thanks to my clinical instructor I started smoking again.  I had quite back in October.  But again, that’s what nursing school does to you.  I actually have a tiny light at the end of the tunnel though,  I will be done in December!  At this point it can’t come soon enough.  The classes are 7 1/2 weeks long and I am in between classes right now.  I actually have a week off to breathe, regroup and start over again with a new class.  YIPPEE!!!

HAPPY EASTER!

Happy Easter everyone.

How time flies….

Wow, how time gets away from you sometimes. It has been 8 weeks since “Quinn”. My days have completely switched gears. I went from being totally consumed by pregnancy to being totally consumed by the loss of the pregnancy to hardly thinking about the pregnancy. That’s what happens when you are in nursing school. I finally started back. I have been out of school since the end of June last year just waiting for a class I needed to come back around. The school doesn’t offer the class year round. The ironic thing about it is the class I am taking is OB. I couldn’t wait for the class to start when I found out I was pregnant. I thought it was going to be great fun to be in that class WHILE I was pregnant (talk about an easy A). Then when I lost the baby just a month before the class started I was completely bummed. I didn’t want to go….I was dreading it. Well, I am doing OK with being around all those Mom’s and babies during clinicals and I got to see the most awesome thing ever………I got to see a birth. It is TOTALLY different seeing the whole thing from the other perspective. I mean NOT from the bed. If you ever get the opportunity to see a live birth, not one on TV, but to actually be there than seize that opportunity. It truly is the most awesome thing you will ever see in your life.

A lighter note……

This is my Pulp fiction character........


You’re sweet, but not naive — though you like to be babied like a child at times. You prefer to have a bad boy by your side, but sometimes have problems understanding why he has to run off to take care of business. You want to settle down, yet deep down inside, you are excited by the surprises life throws your way.Take the What Pulp Fiction Character Are You? quiz.

Finally at rest

We have finally put Quinn to rest. We have his ashes. The shadow box is complete. May he rest in peace at last.

You can see a pic on fresnel’s page.

About Quinn

This is my very first post…..ever. I find myself here because I need to write. I need to write about Quinn. At a time when everyone I come face to face with would know of his existance…..suddenly no one will know of him. Thus my need to let people know about him. You may have heard of him already. If you have read my husbands posts about him and the events leading up to my need to write about him now, than you know of his all-to-short existence. If you haven’t, than here is my version.

Quinn is our baby boy. When we found out I was pregnant in the middle of October with our 5th child we were EXTATIC! Everyone asked us if we were crazy. I mean we already have four beautiful daughters. We just told them that we couldn’t be happier. Then the next question always followed…..”are you hoping for a boy this time?” In a way we were. OK, we both really hoped it would be a boy and in some ways I knew. But ultimately we hoped for the same thing we hoped for with all of our girls……..just to have a healthy baby. We always had healthy babies in the past, why would this be any different? This one WAS different. I felt VERY different with this pregnancy. Everyone said “oh, maybe this is your boy”. I was very sick and just exhausted ALL the time. I had wished for that part of pregnancy to over with. Once I got through the first trimester (past 12 weeks) I should have been feeling a bit better…..the worst part of pregnancy was supposed to be over. I should have been feeling better, my energy level should have improved and I was out of the “danger zone”. Unfortunately the worst part of this pregnancy and the worst day of my life were just ahead. On Jan. 21st at 16 1/2 weeks I had a regular Dr. appointment. All was going well until they couldn’t find a heartbeat. I kept telling the doc. “I know it’s there, I saw it on the ultrasound at 6 weeks!” That didn’t matter. There was no more heartbeat……..my baby was gone. I have never in my life experienced such heart wrenching sadness and grief. I have lost loved ones in the past but this was different……..this was my child, my own flesh and blood. There is nothing I can do to bring him back and there was nothing that I could have done to save him. I can only tell you about his all-to-short existence.

We found out that I had an infection, a virus (something my Dr. thinks I picked up at work, I work in a hospital) that if you get it for the first time while you are pregnant it can be fatal to the baby. On top of that he had down syndrome (most of the time a death sentence in itself for a fetus. something I did not know until now is that babies that make it to birth with down syndrome are miracles). We will never know which one made his heart stop beating or whether the combination of the two was just too much for his tiny body to handle. What we do know it that yes, our baby WAS in fact a boy (our first we hope), and that he was loved just as much as any other child and that he will never be forgotten. I would trade anything to feel as nautious and exhausted as I did 3 weeks ago when I was still pregnant with our baby boy Quinn.